Live a slow life to feel paradise she said to me. She was always a fountain of truth (and youth). All the others lied but she never did. So why did I leave? I don't know. No other option I suppose.
After 15 months we met again in a lost city that no one knows about. After so long she was mostly the same. She looked better, healthier. She was way more confident and comfortable. Her English was better.
When I went to go get her so many years ago she was just a little girl really. She didn't know anything, just a bit of English. She was 20 years old but 20 years old in Vietnam years is a lot like 15 years old in US time.
Back then she didn't know anything. She'd never owned a refrigerator. She'd freeze our food every single day and thaw it every single day to cook it. She couldn't tell a taxi driver where to go because she didn't know how.
It's not her fault, she had zero experience. Hamburgers and hotels? Get real. I bought her her very first pair of sunglasses. All her life was spent with her mom in the poor part of town.
She was blank and that's exactly what I wanted, a blank canvas to paint my own picture. I knew I was entering a phase that no grown female could tolerate. I lived like a monk. I was obsessed. I barely spoke. I saved all of my words for the work. I was a freak. I was born a freak but I carefully nurtured it as well.
I'd look in your eyes and burn a hole in you. I was seething. I just was. If I was able to fall asleep I'd dream of smashing N__'s head into a brick wall repeatedly. Just over and over and it would last all night. I'd wake up and only 5 minutes had passed.
All these years people think I was alone. Get real. If I was alone I didn't know how I could tolerate it. I'm a crazy person when I'm alone. I don't care about myself I only care about other people. When I don't have anyone to care about I self-destruct. So I wasn't alone, but my mind was on fire.
Look into my eyes and you didn't see a human. You saw intensity looking through you, not at you. I'm slightly calmer today, but back then? If I looked at you I'd burn a hole in your soul. I. Will. Burn. A. Hole. In. You. I will eat your soul because it's either yours or mine and it won't be mine. Get it? I had to get it all out. I didn't go out. I didn't have friends and I didn't want them. All I wanted to do was burn holes in souls.
I needed someone at home to take care of me. I need the opposite of me. There is no balance in me. It does not exist. I'm pedal to the metal. The god of war lives in me. My intensity is completely unrivaled. I needed complete calm in my daughter. Back then I was so angry. I needed someone to take care of me. Like a mom? All these years and you still don't know me. She's my daughter not my mother.
Demons came to me in my sleep and I needed her to protect me. She was there before I made a million dollars, she was around when I was down to my last $500 when she got stuck in Cambodia on a botched visa run. She was there the day I stopped worrying about money. She was there when 4 grand was enormous to me.
All these years now she is the only one who was ever true for me. Everybody else lied to me and I can't get over being lied to. I trust everybody because I trust myself. I hate liars like I hate being on fire. I want to set every single liar on fire. I hate all of them and I make all comfortable liars uncomfortable.
She is the only one who ever said the truth to me. She was there to protect me, not the other way around. A poor girl from Vietnam who never had a chance in life and now her passport is stamped more than yours. No one but her mom and me ever cared about her.
One time she got lost in Cambodia, she was so scared when she called me crying, saying they wouldn't let her back into Thailand. I wasn't scared at all. I am strong like concrete and I found a way to get her home. She could have been kidnapped and sold into slavery and I could have lost her forever. They would have killed her pretty quickly when they found out she was soft and sweet like a child not hard like a whore.
No one but me appreciates her kindness and happy spirit. Thankfully she is always safe because I would strangle anyone who hurt her and I would stare in your eyes while doing it. I would strangle ten men easy. It's not skill, it's will and I have the will to kill for her. Feelings? Nah, just killings.
I walked the streets of Bangkok one night after she left to take out the garbage and never came back, hoping I would not find her body floating in the river. I found her an hour later crying by the pool. I looked at her hard and said don't ever do that again, then I hugged her and let her cry on my chest. She's my fountain of youth and truth.
You can't hang with me if you lie. You just can't. I will set all liars on fire. If you lie to me I will use my words like gasoline and I will make you burn. I will set you on fire and I will make you hurt. I eat your lies like breakfast and I spit fire back into your face, you cowards. A little white lie is still a lie.
Yes, I'll eat your soul but I'll never lie about it. I'll look right into your eyes and tell you to your face that I will eat your soul. Like every word that comes out of my mouth, I mean it. My words are gasoline, lie to me and I will spit them in your face and set you on fire. A little white lie is the worst kind of lie because it's the lie of a coward. I will bully every coward until they stop lying or until they run away and die.
You ever notice that couples look like each other? Miserable. People look at us and become confused. We're so different, how could that be? It's simple really. You ever see the yin and yang? That's what we are. I am intensity personified and she is the opposite. Without my yang I am insane. You can't be with me if you have attitude, I have enough for the both of us. Live a slow life to feel paradise she said to me, of course it's true. Will I do it? I sure doubt it.
I am not a human being, but she is and that's good enough for me. If she can live in paradise I will live in hell. Just don't leave me alone, like she always said to me. How could I? There are no others. They are all disgusting liars. It's just her and me, don't you see? It's just you and me. So why did I leave her alone? Because the way to heaven is straight through hell. Or maybe I don't know. I'm a castaway, that's all I can say, and to be alive sometimes you have to go die. Rebirth comes with a price.
You have to leave me alone when I'm working. If you break my flow I will eat your soul. For a lot of ladies that's real hard to deal with. That's why I don't deal with ladies, I like girls who have nowhere else to go. It's easy to develop the patience of a saint if you've got nowhere else to go.
If you knew her real name you'd never doubt me. Meant to be, and impossible to be an accident. Nothing ever happens to me by accident. I've been guided by the Tao this whole time. When I left the Tao I lost my way. Like they say in the movies, I went off the reservation. But one thing I never did was tell a lie. I am the most honest human being on earth. Can't handle it? Good. Get the fuck out of my way. Go away and burn to death.
I accept all people on earth but I don't accept liars. That leaves only her and I. Everyone else tells me lies. I push you all and you all crumble like cowards. A little Vietnamese girl is stronger than all of you because she tells me the truth, especially when it's hard to say and hard to hear.
I live hard and it's not possible to live hard with little white liars, so concerned with feelings, like legal aged children but worse. Children haven't learned to lie like you. So what is there to say or do? Set yourself on fire I suppose. Who knows, you might kill that coward in you. If it's too hard to set yourself on fire, just tell a little white lie to me and I'll do it for you. For me, destruction of comfortable liars is just easy. Like the Prodigy said, I'm the twisted firestarter and if you ever tell a little white lie to me I will set you on fire and I won't even stick around to watch you burn. Comfortable liars make me uncomfortable so I gotta go, Joe.