Bold and Determined

Get Up Off Your Ass, Enjoy Your Life and Get Out of the 9-5 Jive Forever

How to Cope with Abuse

By 111 Comments

From the desk of Victor Pride
Subj: A taboo topic
—

I recently received this email from a reader:

Your blog/topics have been extremely helpful to many men including myself. You boldly discuss the topics and in simple words you make sense.

Some people in your audience would appreciate if you discuss “how to cope or deal with a past experience of sexual abuse”

It is a topic considered by many men as taboo but Victor there is no denial that sexual abuse happens especially when you are a neglected child.

Those who were sexually abused and have fear to say it need an advice from someone like you.

Your skills to communicate and create an impact on people's life are needed to discuss a topic of this nature.

Thank you for your time. Have a great day.

Here's my thoughts…

The only solution is to live a healthy life right now. The past is the past and what is done is done. You cannot undo it so you must move forward. 

1) Never turn to alcohol or drugs

They don't “make you forget”, they simply kill you in a quicker manner than life would naturally. Drugs and alcohol are a form of slow suicide, they are not a coping mechanism. THEY DO NOT HELP YOU COPE! They simply take you out of your own mind long enough to die without having to pull the trigger yourself. Nearly all who commit suicide had an alcohol or drug problem. This includes marijuana! Do not ever smoke marijuana, not even once. It is a poison pretending to be a cure. Anybody who tells you marijuana is a great escape is a drug addict not to be trusted. 100 years ago, drunkards pretended alcohol and tobacco were medicines as well. 

Do not use any drugs period! This includes drugs from a doctor, tobacco and even coffee. Yes, do not drink coffee as it is not a “harmless bit of fun” but a true drug, not to be used carelessly. You must be clean from all intoxicants and stimulants if you are to thrive. You must learn to be with yourself, only. People with no emotional hangups can drink coffee, people with emotional hangups cannot. Your mind must remain crystal clear at all times. Carless people who have dealt with past abuse and turn to drugs often become an abuser, even if only in their own mind. ALWAYS BE FREE FROM DRUGS AND ALCOHOL. There is no exception to this rule. 

2) Get plenty of outdoor exercise and fresh air every day

Vigorous and brisk daily outdoor exercise is a must to develop the vitality you need to succeed and thrive. You need abundant fresh air and you need to exercise hard enough so that you breathe deeply. Abundant oxygen is imperative to live a healthy, happy life and the only way you get truly deep breathing done is by doing hard exercise. Breathing exercises are a joke compared to real exercise. When you exercise vigorously you will breathe deeply in the most natural manner possible and the oxygen will be your great reward. Breathing exercises can never mimic the true, deep breathing you accomplish when you exercise vigorously. Forget breathing exercises and just exercise, the deep breathing will come naturally. Deep breathing is a must for a healthy life of vigor. I know it's hard to find outdoor activities these days, so here's what you can do: find a way and don't complain. 

3) Eat a hearty diet that promotes vigor and vitality

Your diet must be abundant but also free from the foods that promote sickness. These foods that promote sickness are refined sugars, refined flour, refined oils, modern GMO wheat and modern foods. Like Jack Lalanne said, if man made it, don't eat it! It is NOT necessary to diet or limit your caloric intake. In fact, it is best if you do not limit your caloric intake and simply eat until you are full and satisfied. Eating until you are fulfilled produces “feel good” chemicals (all jolly people love to eat). This style of eating produces an abundance mindset, limiting your food via dieting produces a scarcity mindset which you want to avoid (unless you are a bodybuilder, fitness enthusiast etc.). Eating to stay lean, though it makes you look good, can make you miserable. Food is what makes people happy so I recommend you eat until you are full but never beyond.

Note that eating until you are fulfilled is not the same as over-eating or binging. Eat enough so that you are satisfied and move on. DO NOT SNACK! Eat 2-4 meals daily depending on your activity level. 2-3 meals is best for most people on earth, 4 meals for a very active athlete. Regarding what foods to eat, you must become your own scientist and find the foods that work for you. Many diets look great on paper but fail in reality. I say processed MSG is a poison, Johnny Montana might say it helps him thrive. You be the judge of what works for you. 

4) Develop iron self-discipline

Only you have the power to move forward or dwell in the past. To move forward takes iron discipline. You must command yourself to do it and you must follow those commands as if they came from General Patton himself. You already know that nobody will help you in this world if you do not help yourself. Follow 30 Days of Discipline exactly to learn how to be in complete control of yourself.

5) Go for long power-walks every day

Many people like to poke fun at power-walkers. I call those people sedentary. Power-walks are some of the best exercise known to mankind and that should be evident because POWER is the first word. Walking is one of the most important things humans can do for their mood, their appetite, their sleep, and their fitness. Walking clears and calms the mind like no other exercise. Go for a 1-2 hour power-walk and do it every single day, 7 days per week. Long walks are a must, they are not optional. ENERGY COMES FROM MOVEMENT. Use your arms wildly and you will build energy like a locomotive. It isn't hard, just do it. 

You can listen to empowering podcasts on your power-walks. I have never listened to this show but I have heard that the Jocko Willink podcast is excellent and covers many topics like self-discipline. I suggest you download some episodes and go for a long walk every night while learning the discipline of a soldier. You can also listen to funny, “entertainment” style podcasts as they can put you in a good mood. Whatever it is that you like, put it on and go for a walk. 

6) Commit yourself to living your life mission 

If you don't have anything to live for, you aren't going to do much living. Study The Good Gospel of Bold & Determined and your destiny will reveal itself to you (hint: you already know exactly what you want to do with your life). Commit yourself to your life mission and don't look back. When you feel like quitting, keep going. Every quitter ended up in the exact same place: nowhere. Everyone who had the endurance to continue in the face of adversity ended up in the same place: on the top of the mountain. 

7) Do not go to therapy

Therapists will want you to call yourself a victim, they will give you a victim mentality and you will always be a loser if you allow yourself to be the victim. You must be stronger than a victim, you must control your life as it is right now. And right now you are no longer a victim. If you want good advice, you must get good advice from strong people. All therapists are neurotic, crazy, perverted people and they will make you worse because they will force you to constantly re-live and overthink the issue when what you need to do is suppress and forget it. Just say no to therapists and say yes to vigorous physical activity. 

8) Lift weights

With a strong body comes a strong mind. Weightlifting teaches you to push past mental barriers. When you lift weights you will learn one valuable lesson: your body is the slave of your mind. Whatever you command your body to do, it will do. You must possess the mental fortitude to command of your body and lifting weights teaches you this mental fortitude. When you want to quit at 7 reps but you promised yourself 10 reps, you must get those 10 reps. Nothing in the world feels better than completing your goal when your body wanted to quit. It is this feeling of achievement that separates the depressed from the jolly, the weak from the strong. When you command 10 reps, get those 10 reps and you will feel like a new man every day.

Jack Lalanne lifted weights 7 days a week, Victor Pride lifts weights 7 days a week, you will lift weights 7 days a week. Each day you lift weights, you will make yourself push past at least one mental barrier. You will go past the point in which your body wanted to quit. You will do this or you will never know vitality and vigor. Follow Body of a Spartan to learn the value of true weight training. 

9) Train martial arts

Martial arts will allow you to get out your pent-up aggression and they will give you the feeling of safety knowing you can defend yourself. Start with Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu as it will allow you to wrestle frequently with others on your same level without getting seriously injured. Be very careful to take care of your joints as they will be with you for a lifetime. Remember, you are not necessarily training to become a world champion (though you could), you are training to become mentally confident enough to rid a fear of conflict. People can smell fear, so wash the stench of fear off of yourself via martial arts training, weight lifting, vigorous outdoor exercise, a hearty diet, and a strong mental attitude of confidence.

10) Focus on the future

You must absolutely limit the time you spend thinking about the past, you must busy yourself every single day with vigorous and violent exercise, you must eat a diet that promotes a healthy life, you must take ownership of you life and yourself as you are right now and you must work like hell to develop the version of yourself you wish to see in the future. What's done is done, stop thinking about it. Go live right now. 

Until next time.

Your man,

-Victor Pride

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Comments

  3. Nice post.

    The best revenge is always to live well.

    The best way to live life is moving towards a positive future and not stuck dwelling on the past.

    Cheers,

    D

    Reply

  4. Great post. It’s also so important to ACCEPT what happened, not repress it. It happened. Feeling ashamed, guilty, and repressing it will eat you alive. Accept, realize you don’t have to feel dirty or guilty about it, and then move the fuck on and build a badass life.

    Reply

  5. Great advice Vic. This is all about doing and not dwelling. Pressing forward. Becoming a better you, instead of trying to kill the you of yesterday.

    Reply

  6. If you use and you have a problem. You’re a problem user.

    Good post Vic. I sense something different from your latest posts compared to your classics. No complaints.

    Reply

  7. Victor this is fantastic.

    I’ve often thought from your writing that you could be a victim of abuse. It’s really great that you are being brave and being public about your past.

    Hopefully your bravery will show other men that this is nothing to be ashamed of.

    Reply

  8. I rarely comment on blogs but I wanted to share 2 scientific facts that helped me gain freedom from the extreme distress that comes from being the victim of childhood sexual abuse:

    The cells of the body die and regenerate at the rate of days to months to years. Except for the eyes and brain, every part of the body dies off and regenerates. The part of the body that takes the longest to regenerate completely is the skeleton, which takes 10 years. So, if your abuse occurred more than 10 years ago, the body you’re living in now is a completely new and regenerated body. That old body that was abused is gone. This may take some googling on your part to make it “your own” but it has been a massive help for me in my own personal efforts to heal my mind.

    The second fact supports the first – the largest escape route for dead and dying cells is the respiratory system – the lungs. Cells have memory. When they die and are released from your body, you need to consider yourself freed from the memories themselves. I was reminded of this by reading the section about breathing.

    Breathe. Deeply and frequently. Be consoled by the fact that every exhale brings you closer to freedom from your past.

    Reply

  9. “All therapists are neurotic, crazy, perverted people…”

    This is clearly an exaggeration. You should have said “almost all.”

    Reply

      • I have no idea why you’re tripping over that sentence. All therapists ARE sick people themselves and no one should waste his time with one. Reminding you and making you overthink problems solve nothing. Physical activity and using your brain and hands for productive purposes is the only way out of mental issues. No way around it. If the truth seems difficult to swallow, then you obviously do not belong on B&D. Try Jezebel.

        Reply

        • These days most therapists focus on learning skills like letting go of the past and being in the present (mindfulness) so that you can just move on with your life and quit obsessing over the past. Lots also focus on cognitive restructuring (CBT) so people stop playing the victim and think powerful thoughts instead of living in states of powerless victimhood. Some do the whole talk about it, but only to detraumatize it, make it so that you’re not just whining about it, but rather that its just some garbage that happened in your past and no longer affects you.

          You guys have the 90’s TV therapist cliche in your head.

          Reply

  10. “they will force you to constantly re-live and overthink the issue when what you need to do is suppress and forget it”

    This is absolutely true. All people I know who had gone to therapy come back crying their guts, because supposedly they are “working their problems”. WTF?

    Einstein said once he would not like to be analyzed, no wonder.

    Reply

    • I’d argue that for those who lack self discipline, seeing a therapist can at least provide some semblance of structure. You see someone every week and complain at them for an hour. It’s necessary for some, like those who obsess about killing themselves to where if they don’t see a therapist they may actually off themselves. I’d say that’s the only exception, and its extremely rare.

      Also any therapist worth his or her salt would suggest all of the things that Vic said.

      Reply

      • “You see someone every week and complain at them for an hour.”

        Complaining does nothing to cure you, it serves only to keep you down.

        Reply

  12. An excellent post Vic! :D
    This was long overdue…
    By the way, there is a small typo – “the mental fortitude to command of your body” … the ‘of’ probably slipped when you were proofreading …

    -Shyam M

    Reply

  14. Awesome advice. Why are there so few confident males like Victor Pride and Aaron Clarey these days? Seems like millenials and onward have been conditioned to be soft and expect instant gratification. Indeed, in myself I have seen many signs of a weak mind. Its hard slogging man but with every single step I keep moving forward and I see myself on top of the moutain. I will condition myself to become harder and harder until I get where I want to be, and then I will only continue moving forward. Without the gospel of B&D, I’d probably be in some wretched circumstances.

    Thanks again VP, you’re the man!

    Reply

      • Abuse could be introduced to you in many forms. But there is only one way to leave it behind, that is by creating the right mental a physical attitude. I have known the war and what it can do, and I endured. I endured 3 bad marriages, I endured financial struggles, children being or taken away from me, verbal abuse, physical abuse. Training my body and brain towards a healthier life made a change. I left all my weaknesses behind. You are as strong as you want to be.

        Reply

  16. Amazing post Victor, it resonates so much more than to those people who have been abused, its a simple, but often hard way to greatness/happiness/contentment in life.
    Its a life philosophy!

    Its like a post of old.
    Great writing my virtual friend.

    John

    Reply

  18. Amazing article Vic, one of your best!
    I’m just wondering whether you’re going to write anything about how Conor Mcgregor bullshitted his way to a 100 million dollar pay day? That man is a genius and I’d like to hear your thoughts about it.

    Reply

    • Thanks Konrad. Regarding Conor…

      He won two belts in the UFC in spectacular fashion, became the biggest draw of all time, was quietly called out by the greatest boxer of all time, accepted the challenge, went 10 rounds in his professional boxing debut with the greatest ever. Where’s the bullshit? There is no deeper meaning, everything is as it is – simple. This is what so many people cannot grasp: INSTINCT takes you everywhere, excessive thought and worrisome preparation leaves you behind. Notice how Conor never plans moves in advance, simply waits for the right time and pounces. He is prepared to act and he acts in the moment.

      Reply

      • Very, very true. The bullshit I referred to was the media circus that happened prior to the fight.
        Conor made everyone believe he would win, even though he knew he was going to lose.
        80% of the bets were placed on Conor to win, purely because of the size of his balls in the lead up to the fight.
        He may have lost, but he still walked away a winner and it was truly an amazing thing to behold.

        Reply

  19. Awesome stuff Vic! I’ve dealt with “traumatizing” events during my high school years and doing stuff similar to the things you suggested is pretty much the only solution. Even therapists, although you dislike them, would probably agree with your list.

    I’d like to add that you should make fun of the bad things that happened and laugh at them. The more you can laugh at your shortcomings, the easier it will be to focus on your future.

    Reply

  20. This is all great advice not only for people suffering from past trauma but really just about *any* man suffering from *any* psychological issue that keeps him from enjoying his life.

    Be it depression, anxiety, ADD/ADHD, PTSD, low-testosterone, lack of confidence, sleep insomnia, drug/alcohol addiction etc……

    You either make the lifestyle changes necessary to work through them or you let them continue to own you.

    Reply

  21. Great article indeed Victor.
    Although I do think that a therapist can help you overcome certain aspects of trauma. Therapy can be very empowering for someone who has suppressed their feelings and emotions because people kept telling them that they need “to get over it” for a very long time. Therapy does have a its place in a healing process for someone who suffered from abuse. Other than that, great article my friend!

    Reply

  22. good on you vic good article
    training will cure most things
    push yourself physically
    push yourself mentally

    mark from sydney
    now in bkk

    Reply

  23. Good advice for ANYONE regardless of their past. A reminder not to dwell on any events from your past, not even the positive ones. Life only moves in one direction: forward. That’s where your focus should be. Thanks Vic.

    Reply

  24. I read a lot of your articles but I rarely ever comment. But this time I have to say this a very good post Vic. One of your best. Surprisingly timely as well as I was actually planning on seeing a therapist. Keep up the good work.

    Reply

  25. Vic, quick question. I’ve decided I want to visit Asia in order to work and make a living. What are your thoughts on Malaysia? Seems like a very welcoming and stable country according to what I’ve read. Thanks.

    Reply

  26. Hey Brother Vic, I am so happy that you hit the nail on the head with this article. I currently have a student who is suffering from low self esteem. I printed your article and after counseling him along the same lines you have covered in this article, I gave him your article. This is truly real world functional advice with teeth and claws and not the liberal bull crap we are taught in guidance counselor candy ass school. God bless you my kind brother.

    Leon.

    Reply

  28. This post is a great read for people who have issues in their past, of whatever case. Be it abuse or anything else, like anger or failures. And most of us have that past.

    Thanks Victor! It’s enlightening for the soul and mind.

    Reply

  29. As always Uncle Vic, your words are powerful, purposeful and poignant. This post had alot of personal significance. Your wisdom is indispensable to our generation.

    -Justin Razor

    Reply

  31. Victor,

    I appreciate the depth and wisdom behind your words. They are a guiding light for masculine men in a world full of darkness.

    Reply

  32. Very good tips, Vic! Now, let’s face the truth. Your abusers are usually twice as victims as you are because they are 100% at the mercy of their instincts. The more you are a slave to nature the more you get exploited by it and the more you suffer. Nature is the reason why every single piece of flesh is getting gradually raped to death, through aging, diseases, wrong diet, injuries, bad habits, stress etc. Nature itself abuses our bodies slowly and horribly, so we all get old, sclerotic, powerless and eventually dead. That’s why you should only invest in your Spirit. No one can abuse your Spirit except yourself! And this is exactly what the majority of people are used to do on a daily basis. They are serial rapists of their own Spirit and they don’t even realize it. If you leave no legacy behind in form of knowledge and contribution to progress of humanity, it means you are the serial rapist of your Spirit. If you don’t achieve success and freedom in life, it means you are the serial rapist of your Spirit once again. Guess what you do to your Spirit then you wallow in self-pity or anger? Exactly, you rape it even more. I can assure you of one thing: the day you stopped raping your Spirit would be the day you started to live a life beyond your wildest imagination.

    Reply

  33. Victor, you are an inspiration to me. After reading this I went for a 2 km run with my dogs and a 20 km bicycle ride and did 400 reps with light weights at the gym, which is more than I had done for a while. I loved reading your suggestion that when you plan to do 400 reps, and get to 300 and think about stopping, it builds character to keep going and achieve your goal. A regular small goal is the building block for a big goal. It reminds me of Saint Paul’s line at Romans 5:3 “we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us.”

    Reply

  34. Great article, Vic. I have a question for you. I have a bunch of friends from a small country town who are, in my opinion, complete losers. Although I think this of them, I still visit them every now and then. They’re not bad blokes – it’s just that they do nothing with their lives. When I am there, I can not resist but partake in smoking a little bit of weed, along with a couple of cigarettes too. I’m always mad at myself the following day. Should I cut off contact completely? Best regards.

    Reply

    • “When I am there, I can not resist but partake in smoking a little bit of weed, along with a couple of cigarettes too. I’m always mad at myself the following day. Should I cut off contact completely?”

      Nah, you should hang out and smoke weed and cigarettes every day.

      Reply

  35. Victor,
    In Bold and Determined Volume 1, you mentioned how you had coffee in the morning to give yourself a boost for your gym sessions. I tend to do the same. I find it hard to get going without coffee.
    In this article, you are saying to avoid coffee. Have you replaced coffee with something else? What are your thoughts on mate tea?
    Thanks.
    Mike

    Reply

  36. I’m a musician and I’m writing a song about you. I’m about to begin to write the lyrics. How should I call you in the song?

    Reply

  39. Hey Vic have you ever watched Durianrider’s videos on Youtube? He has some great insights to share if you haven’t already seen some of his content.

    Thanks for the great articles you keep producing. Your writing has matured a lot since your first few posts.

    Reply

  40. Victor, write a post on coping with long term illness. I think it would be fantastic for many of your readers.

    Not to get on my soap box but I have a somewhat severe condition and lost 35 lbs of muscle (which is a big deal since Im a slender short guy) and could basically only eat white rice, white chicken and bone broth. Any deviation from that puts me in severe pain and fatigues the hell out of me. Despite all that Im still managing to kick ass in school and am on my to earning a six figure salary with plenty of room to move upward. My obsession with success is so great not even sickness can pull me away.

    Reply

  43. Hi Victor, killing it with another Great Article No surprise :). I just had a few thoughts, Why B&D? Not the reason for the name but for the blog content. I was thinking if you’re so open with certain posts why not explain in detail but not too much hehe, what really made you start it? I often read other posts about you said you “knew” readers would be waiting and salivating for them,no doubt about that.I know that it would be another Great article. I don’t know if it would take the mystery of keeping Randoms coming back. I was just real curious it would maybe even inspire others even more in some way just like this article.- Scooter

    Reply

  44. only the strong should breed.
    only the sick should bleed.
    only the fittest should take weed.
    only victor is a succeed.
    and i’m on speed.

    Reply

  45. If one was abused as a child, it is not one’s fault. One’s fault is to use the abuse excuse to not accomplish anything in life.

    Those demons are going to be present in your subconscious mind permanently but you have to fight them.

    This article is medicine for many men. Taking care of yourself, living a healthy life, and becoming a better person is always attainable if you commit.

    Thank you, Victor.

    Reply

  47. 365 days 247 [30 Days of Discipline] is vital key for me.

    It’s like your post in March from A to B in a straight line.

    Everytime I quit I go back to A where I started.

    F’ck that shit.

    Change my Mindset = Change my Life.

    Reply

  49. You must be clean from all intoxicants and stimulants if you are to thrive.

    ALWAYS BE FREE FROM DRUGS AND ALCOHOL. There is no exception to this rule.

    If you don’t have anything to live for, you aren’t going to do much living.

    Reply

  50. Vic. Good article as always. Just wanted to comment that it’s not the therapist it’s the type of therapy. A therapist was the only person that was able to break through and I believe save my daughters life. Had I taken your advice, she was heading down the route of committing suicide.

    Reply

  51. Hello Victor, I’ve been reading your articles for some time now and I’ve to say that most of your advice about life is spot on. I do however, find most of your articles pretty funny as they are written with a tinge of humour and I’m pretty sure you realise this. I do have this to say though. Thanks for writing all these articles. Words have a very powerful impact on people’s lives. I have always been a person with a purpose and also a well organised person as I workout, train in martial arts, read and try to learn new things everyday. Keep up with the great content. I’ve been a victim of bully and sexual abuse in the past too and I learned this a year back. Being the victim will only continue to make a person feel like shit about themselves. It is up to a person to look at the situation in a different light and use it to help them grow stronger and create the life they have always desired.

    Reply

  52. Great article. This is exactly what I need right now.

    Heads up, misspelled the word soldier in item 5).

    Thanks my friend.

    Reply

  53. I agree with most of this. The only thing that I disagree with is the part about therapy. I think that a highly skilled therapist can help you interrupt disempowering patterns. I’ve had success with one. He got me out of OCD type patterns. Gabor Maté is also a great psychologist type of guy. He talks about child-hood trauma and how to make peace with the past. I think sometimes you need to heal. Not just repress and move on.

    Reply

  54. Victor, your articles are great and I have been following your work for 5 years now. I agree with almost everything you say, but in this one… you are a hypocrite. You’ve mentioned in your older articles saying you start every morning with coffee, now coffee is a harmful drug all of the sudden? Lol.

    Reply

  55. Hi Victor,

    thanks for saving my life!

    I got abused by my wife.

    I was, exactly like you described, a marijuana smoking internet pron wanking sissy push-over loser.

    I followed your advice and now i am a steak eating, weight lifting, kick-boxing force of nature.

    Thanks again for saying what most so-called-man never dare to say in public. I don’t agree with everything you say and i think you are a terrible douche sometimes but nevertheless i have the utmost respect for you.

    Keep up being the spearhead of manhood on today’s sissy internet.

    Best Regards
    Average Joe

    Reply
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